4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
