I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
