im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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