in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
