if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Please don't give away my fajitas
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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