Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
