I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
