Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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