i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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