I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
