I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
