So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
