hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
