OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
