So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
