People with herpes should wear stickers.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
splinters make it hard to masturbate
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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