at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
