my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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