youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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