the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She needs sedatives and a leash
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
