Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
