threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
