In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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