Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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