when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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