im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
