i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
