got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
