Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
