So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
