OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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