I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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