I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
