1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
