the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
