just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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