I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
