hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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