i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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