I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I can't put those talents on a resume
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
