Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
