everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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