Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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