i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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