Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
