Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
