um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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