YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
