It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Randomize
