i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
